Being a Human.

"Being a human being is not easy, and it often feels so lonely, like we’re the only ones feeling the way we do. I am so grateful when I can see myself in someone else, when I am humbled by what I needed to hear, and when I am reminded that I am not alone."

Did y'all read Fiona Apple's letter regarding cancelling the South American leg of her tour due to her dying dog?  If not, you really should.

I was touched and moved by her letter, and had those unfortunate moments of wondering what it would be like when my own pet dies.  And I thought that was that.

But then I read Tracee Elliss Ross' take on the letter and felt even more grateful for truth and the power of words.  I am never more grateful for the internet than when I read something that makes me feel seen and understood.  Especially this:

"This letter is so brave, the stuff of giants. What is so extraordinary about Fiona’s words and what touched me so deeply is her courage and her willingness to own her truth. To trust her gut and choose love — that heart-wrenching mixed bag — and choose to be present in the face of heartbreak and joy, is truly amazing.  I am always in awe of people who choose to be present for the reality of a true connection. To allow a being to be as important as Janet is to Fiona is a beautiful and powerful thing."

Words could never ring more true than they did yesterday, and it's exactly what I needed.  Sometimes being a human is harder than you'd hoped and true connections are more difficult to achieve than they should be.  But acknowledging the problem is half the battle, right?

image via pinterest/tumblr   

Moving Forward.

I wasn't gonna be so political on this here blog, but then I saw this photo and I just couldn't help it.

Hot damn I love these two!

And since I"m already here I thought I'd post these words because they filled my heart with joy and hope.  Let's do this thing together, folks.

"I believe we can seize this future together because we are not as divided as our politics suggests. We’re not as cynical as the pundits believe. We are greater than the sum of our individual ambitions and we remain more than a collection of red states and blue states. We are, and forever will be, the United States of America."

image found here. quote found here.

Friday!

Thank you to all for your kind words regarding my last post.  It can be supah scary to really put yourself out there, but it's always worth it.  Authenticity > embarrassment.  Every time.  At least in my book.


I've been thinking bout all the folks on the East Coast.  Those pictures and footage are scary.  I'm keeping you all in my thoughts.  May your lives return to normal sooner rather than later. 


Happy Friday to all.  It's November! (Also now less than one month til I turn 30. Eeep!)

I only have a few links:

My friend, Julia, sent this to me and I couldn't be more grateful.  I've read it several times since.  Surprise synopsis: You Don't HAVE To Be Pretty!  Thanks, friend.

I laughed out loud seeing this photo.  This couldn't encapsulate my family more when it comes to election time. [I really try not to be political to folks because I've grown up with both sides and everyone should have a voice (even if I whole-heartedly disagree), but if I can use any of my tiny voice to do anything of good I urge you to vote.  PLEASE VOTE!  The world is not changed for the better by silence.]

Great marriage advice.  Not that I know anything about any of that, but it seems like solid advice.  And reassuring for a girl who's kinda scared of that sort of thing.

Happy post-Halloween! I was absurdly excited to hand out candy this year as opposed to dress up and drink -- does that mean I'm getting old, or just crotchety?   

image via pinterest (let me know if you know the original source)

  

The Body Love Blog.

Warning: Long Post Ahead.   No hurt feelings if you don't read. 

Have y'all seen/read Humans of New York??  If not, you really really should.  It's such a wonderful pick-me-up for me.  Whenever.  Forever.  Brandon always seems to find the most wonderful and charming and smile-enducing folks to photograph and the blurbs are the best part.  I can't tell you how many times I've teared up just flipping through.

You might've also heard about Stella and the Body Love Blog.

I heard about Stella through Humans of New York and I am grateful.  It's rare when a stranger can reach through and mean something so powerful to you via the internet.  Stella means that to me.

Long story way too short that is much better written elsewhere (PLEASE GO READ HER STORY ON HUMANS OF NEW YORK) she was excited to see Brandon taking photos and asked to take his photo.  One thing lead to another and she made her mark and ended up on the Today Show.

Below you will find the original post:
 
Today I met an NYU student named Stella. I took a photo of her. Afterwards, she told me about a self-portrait she recently posted on Tumblr. So, instead of the photo I took, here is her self-portrait:
thebodyloveblog:

WARNING: Picture might be considered obscene because subject is not thin. And we all know that only skinny people can show their stomachs and celebrate themselves. Well I’m not going to stand for that. This is my body. Not yours. MINE. Meaning the choices I make about it, are none of your fucking business. Meaning my size, IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.

If my big belly and fat arms and stretch marks and thick thighs offend you, then that’s okay. I’m not going to hide my body and my being to benefit your delicate sensitivities.

This picture is for the strange man at my nanny’s church who told me my belly was too big when I was five.

This picture is for my horseback riding trainer telling me I was too fat when I was nine.

This picture is for the girl from summer camp who told me I’d be really pretty if I just lost a few pounds

This picture is for all the fucking stupid advertising agents who are selling us cream to get rid of our stretch marks, a perfectly normal thing most people have (I got mine during puberty)

This picture is for the boy at the party who told me I looked like a beached whale.

This picture is for Emily from middle school, who bullied me incessantly, made mocking videos about me, sent me nasty emails, and called me “lard”. She made me feel like I didn’t deserve to exist. Just because I happened to be bigger than her. I was 12. And she continued to bully me via social media into high school.

MOST OF ALL, this picture is for me. For the girl who hated her body so much she took extreme measures to try to change it. Who cried for hours over the fact she would never be thin. Who was teased and tormented and hurt just for being who she was.

I’m so over that.
THIS IS MY BODY, DEAL WITH IT.

and FUCK YOU ALL who tried to degrade my being and sense of self with your hurtful comments and actions. 

GUESS WHAT IT DIDN’T WORK HAHAHAHAH

xoxoxoxoxoox

 Stella is a hero.  To me.  To many others.

I've struggled with my weight much of my adult life.  It's not something I like to openly discuss as it hits too close home to me.  It's not something I like to discuss because it's personal.  It's not something I like to discuss because I know it is self-induced.  Sure I could eat less.  Sure I could eat better.  Sure I could exercise more (at all).  If it really bothers me so much I should (and can) change it with a lot of work. 

You see I've gained weight, lost weight, and gained it back.  I loved and hated being skinny.  I loved the clothes and I loved the way I felt; I hated the attention I received.  There is so much more attention than when I'm fat.  Even from people I know.  It's almost like I mattered more because I was more conventionally attractive.  I hated it.  I'm not saying that's why I gained the weight back, but I wasn't necessarily heartbroken to not deal with that shit anymore.

Sure it might've been because it was in contrast to my previous weight.  I, too, want to congratulate people when I see they've lost weight.  But it wasn't the congratulations or conversations about it, it was the conversations people didn't have with me before but had since the weight loss.  As if I made it to the cool kids' table.  It's such a complicated issue and I'm sure my lack of objectivity only makes it worse, but I know how I felt and I didn't like it.       

I'd love to wear all the fabulous outfits I put together on this blog, but would most likely not fit into them.  To be completely honest, that's partly why I've stopped posting here.  It feels disingenuous to be shilling a life that is so far from my own.  It used to be my life and still could be, just in a different clothes section and I haven't admitted that here.  Nor have I dealt with it in my life.  I vacillate between wanting to accept my body for what it is no matter its size and losing the weight I've gained in the past two years.

Part of me knows I'd be healthier and happier if I lost the weight and that's worth it all.  Part of me worries that I'm not solving any problems by not loving who I am now, the way that I look now.  If I can't do it looking like this I never will.

If only Stella could whisper sweet nothings in my ear. 

And, honestly, that's what I'm trying here -- I'm trying to be honest and straight forward.  I'm hoping to be as honest as I can about a topic that is both utterly confusing and horrifically embarrassing for me.  I'm hoping by saying it out loud I'll take the wind out of the sails and be able to move forward.  I don't even know if that makes sense to you.  I'm not even sure if that matters. 

If anything, thank you for being part of a space that lets me make sloppy pronouncements like this.        

Hey, hey, the Emmys!

 

Surprising myself I have to say that this is my favorite dress of the evening.  I would never have expected to favor this color, but it just looked so bright and fresh and really stood out to me.  Julianne Moore also pulled off the color, but I loved the shape and ruching of this Monique Lhuillier dress more.

 

Kat Dennings looks so beautiful in this J. Mendel and the red is a perfect pairing for her milky skin and dark hair, but, and I hate to say it, her body is just not meant for this cut.  I can speak for the larger-chested ladies and I know what it feels like to lose weight and fit into dress shapes you've only looked at from afar for years, BUT that doesn't mean you should wear them.  I'll give her a pass, but I won't stop staring at her boobs.

 

Relaxed and radiant, Claire Danes can do wrong.   Even while saying "holler" and "baby daddy" in Lanvin. 

 

 What a terrible picture and I'm afraid I have to say Sarah Paulson looks better as a blonde, yet I still loved this Reem Acra gown.  It looked striking on my tv screen and like something any girl would love to wear.

And DAYUM did Tina Fey not look bangin' in this Carolina Herrera custom gown.  Girl really stepped it out. 

Here are all of the notes I took during the ceremony before giving up and living vicariously with strangers on Twitter:

• Julie Bowen - Don’t make a speech saying how ridiculously easy your job is.  It’s embarrassing.  
• Amy Poehler’s bit during Julia’s win.  So funny and great to get a real feeling that these ladies are all rooting for one another.  
• Connie Britton’s hair is a lesson in not knowing yourself.  I understand wanting to do something different.  But NO. 

If you want the rest of my own personal peanut gallery you can check it out on Twitter.

all images via Instyle